When I was little, I was told “it’s not good to be too emotional.”  This is an example of the many introjected messages we could possibly receive in childhood and carry around, not questioning, until maybe the consequences of living life by these rules become too impactful to ignore. Some emotions feel almost like old unwelcome roommates. Maybe shame. Maybe sadness. Maybe resentment.  They’ve been around a long time, sitting quietly in the background, occasionally showing up like that person we don’t really want to see. It can be uncomfortable to explore these feelings. Not because they are unfamiliar, but because they are too familiar. They’ve lived in us, shaped us, and often gone unspoken.  But having the bravery to sit with these long-standing, often painful feelings, to listen to them, question them and to unpick where they came from, can be life-changing. Although it may often seem like feelings are your enemy, the reality is that they are often your allies in disguise.  Ignoring emotions can be likened to continuing to drive your car, whilst ignoring that brightly shining warning light on the dashboard.  Eventually…. there is likely to be a consequence. There is a selection of different ways in which we might decide to avoid our emotions, depending upon our early childhood and subsequent life experiences, genetic make-up and modelling by our caregivers.   Some of us default straight into thinking —intellectualising feelings away with logic, spreadsheets, or philosophical debates about the validity of emotions.  Others jump straight into doing  – keeping so busy we can’t feel anything at all, scrolling through social media, or excessive gaming.  And then there are the numbing strategies , including using alcohol or substances to take the edge off.  Lastly, let’s not forget the classic: pretending everything’s fine while you are breaking inside. These strategies often started out as clever survival tools.  Especially when emotional expression wasn’t safe or welcome growing up. But over time, they can lead to us becoming stuck.  So, what happens when we feel safe to connect and listen to our emotions? When we make decisions using only our thinking, we are utilising only half of the information available.  Our emotions exist to inform us, as data.  For example, anger is likely showing up to tell us that an expectation has not been met, or a boundary has been crossed.  We do not have to act impulsively upon our emotions. Listening to them doesn’t mean letting them drive the car, but it does mean letting them have a seat and say what they came to say. To put it plainly, We can still use our thinking  to decide what we would like to do , just as long as we develop a comfortable enough relationship with all of our feelings to enable us to allow them to sit at the table and take part in the discussion, rather than shutting them behind a door, which isn’t going to make them disappear.   Having the bravery to sit with these long-standing, often painful feelings, to listen to them, question them and to unpick where they came from, can be life-changing . Therapy creates the space for this aspect of self-development, to gently explore and unpack what has been buried.  And to find new ways of relating to feelings.  If this blog leads you to wonder about your own relationship with feelings, know you are welcome to get in touch.

Everyone who knows me knows I love a bit of theory!  When I was training as a therapist, I had to work hard on containing my excitement and not forcing what I had learned down the throats of my family and friends. Applying this awareness to the framework of this Blog topic, I was probably stepping into the I’m OK, You’re Not OK quadrant of the Okay Corral (Ernst, 1971). Transactional Analysis (TA) provides us with an abundance of concepts.  These all overlap and interlink.  I find I can begin working with one concept with a client, then into my head pops a way of explaining things by integrating a different concept we have talked about in the past, and which the client already understands. I like to think of The OK Corral or Life Positions in terms of The Drama Triangle, Winners Triangle, Ego States and Attachment Theory.  And when I sat down to write this Blog entry, I got overwhelmed by trying to explain it in all these terms! A simple way of introducing Life Positions is to think of how we view our own worth and how much we value and believe in others.   We form these beliefs in response to the way we are treated as young children, and the view of the world modelled by our parents or caregivers.  Berne, who created Transactional Analysis (TA) hypothesised we will have decided our fundamental Life Position by around seven years old, which is the same time he believes Life Script has been decided.  See, I am already getting over excited about theory, which most readers have probably not heard of before and doesn’t need to be included right here, right now!     Those who have a fundamental Life Position of I’m OK, You're OK (Get on with), generally tend to be  on the whole, positive individuals, who are good at problem solving, believe in themselves and form Secure Attachments with others. Saying that, no one stays routed in the same Life Position 24/7, 365 days per year, or even usually 24 hours a day.  We all move around the quadrant. This is normal and part of being human.  But it can become problematic in terms of our lives and relationships, if we tend to get stuck in any of the three areas of the quadrant other than I’m OK, You’re OK. Feelings of low self-esteem are pretty common, are they not?  Many of us might feel uncomfortable in social situations where we do not have a level of familiarity established with the other people involved.  Some of us might even actively avoid these situations, because they make us feel so anxious.  If this is the case, we are spending time sitting in one of the two sections of the quadrant where we are not feeling we are OK.  Just even being aware that this is a ‘thing’ can be extremely helpful in overcoming this and working towards feeling more confident.  Reminding ourselves that “I am OK, and so is the other” can create a soothing internal dialogue, and our thoughts can very much impact and change how we are feeling. Working towards developing a fundamental Life Position of I’m OK, You’re OK may not be a linear journey.  Take an example of someone who has come out of a long-term relationship, which has left them feeling devalued and worthless.  The ex-partner may in their eyes, be doing great.  And this leads to a feeling of I’m not OK, You’re OK (Depressive Position). Imagine this person turns to alcohol to cope with the difficult and unpleasant emotions they are experiencing.  Their close friends do their best to step in and encourage them to seek help and to stop drinking, but to no avail.  The individual feels hopeless, they believe no one can help and no one else will ever want to be with them, so what is the point of trying?  This point represents them sitting in I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK (Futility Position).   At some point our character may reach a stage where they realise that the problem did not lie solely with them.   They may be successful in achieving sobriety and decide that it is not them that is the problem, but everyone else.  They may think “Actually, I am better off alone, look at all my friends being badly treated and made to feel unhappy in their relationships, I cannot trust anyone apart from myself.  At this point, they can be described as sitting in the I’m Okay, You’re Not Okay, or Paranoid Position.  Eventually, we imagine this person reaches a point where they feel confident in their own evaluation of the behaviour of others in relation to their own self-worth.  They decide they are willing to take a chance on trusting and committing to another, but not at the expense of their own boundaries within a relationship.  Here, the person has moved into the I’m OK, You’re OK (Get on with) section quadrant.  They are more likely at this stage, to begin to experience happiness within a healthy relationship. I am mindful of the concept of the Okay Corral when interacting with my own children.   Overly critical parenting can lead to toxic shame, which can follow a child into adulthood, negatively impacting their ability to succeed, form healthy relationships and ultimately, lead a happy and fulfilling life.   Parents who spend a lot of time in one of the three unhealthy positions of the quadrant are more likely to raise children who follow the same trend.  With this in mind, I try my best to celebrate my children in as many ways as possible, to help them to realise their value. I also try to model kindness and compassion towards others. This is not always easy, and I do sometimes fail temporarily.  At times, I find myself communicating through my frustration, that they are not OK.  When this happens and I have had a chance to take a pause (and to give myself a little shake!), I then do my best to communicate in such a way as to make a clear distinction between my love of them as little humans and my dislike for any unfavourable behaviour.  I also remind myself that, with conflict comes an opportunity to model healthy reparation and humanity.  The message here to my children, is that although emotions may catapult us into an area of the quadrant where the belief is that someone is not OK, we do not have to stay stuck here.  We can bring ourselves back, through self-regulation, self-awareness and working on building healthy interpersonal relationships.

“You will be sitting your SATS soon?”  “Yes”, I replied.  “It may be that you are a little worried.  You will be okay if you miss a night’s sleep… you will sleep eventually”.  I can remember feeling dismissed by the GP’s words, but 10-year-old me knew it was rude to argue with something a grown up had said.  I am now in my late thirties, and over the last three decades, disturbed sleep and insomnia has remained like a permanent figure in my life.  I liken my sleep troubles to the Grinch, residing as a lifelong roommate, sometimes minding his own business and other times keeping me awake with his moaning and misery and from time to time, pointing out my still conscious state just to torment me.  During these times I have anxiously experienced the clock ticking ever onwards towards morning. The Grinch’s loath, hopelessness and dread, projecting onto my expectations for the next day, when I surely will not be unable to function, and my world will fall apart. Not sleeping can have a detrimental impact upon memory and concentration.  Life can feel miserable and it can be a can struggle to functioning well, or perform at work.   This can lead to a vicious cycle of anxiety about getting to sleep, which, in turn, seems to make it impossible to drop off.  Stress, depression, anxiety, neurodivergence, hormones and bad sleep hygiene are all characters in the dark story of insomnia. It can be tempting to use pharmaceutical sleeping aids, and at times these can indeed be helpful in enabling us to get to sleep when we most need it, but they can also be counterproductive, and do not solve the problem long term, as we tend to build up a tolerance to them.  That aside, who wants to feel groggy the following morning and consistently feel the need to mask yawns during morning office meetings, so it does not seem our work colleagues are the most boring people on earth! Some clients are prescribed SSRIs by their GP to support treatment of depression, anxiety, or maybe PTSD . Often these clients report improvements to their sleep, although this may take 3 or 4 weeks to happen.  SSRIs work by increasing levels of Serotonin in the brain, a neurotransmitter which is linked to sleep.   Depending on the individual, this can sometimes be enough to get the sleep needed in order to be able to work on the underlying cause of the sleepless nights, either independently or with a therapist. Commonly, sleep improves as clients feel better able to deal with their problems, or as symptoms of low mood and anxiety reduce.  Many say that counselling sessions are an important part of self-care and of enabling the maintenance of good mental health. It does not come as a surprise that as levels of stress and worry reduce, sleep frequently improves. There are various techniques I share within therapeutic work to encourage soothing of both the nervous system and the mind, and I find this dual approach to be key.  Work around calming the amygdala (part of the brain which detects danger) and activating the parasympathetic (calming) nervous system, is frequently a sensible starting point.  Often this can then be followed by using Transactional Analysis and working with the Parent and Child Ego States to uncover and question those deeply entrenched beliefs about self and the way we imagine life will always be (our Script). Sleep problems may come and pass relatively quickly, or they may be ongoing and benefit from building a 'toolbox' and from deeper therapeutic work. It has become increasingly apparent to me over the years, that sleep is a complex and multifaceted human process, which for a lot of people, requires more than a hot bath and lavender pillow mist to achieve.  For me, my Grinch is a far less pessimistic soul these days. He has a regular bed time and a regular time to wake and begin the day, which supports circadian rhythm. The majority of the time he sleeps happily next to me, and when he does start grumbling, instead of becoming exasperated, I am often able to soothe my Grinch back to sleep.