It can take bravery to allow ourselves to feel

When I was little, I was told “it’s not good to be too emotional.”  This is an example of the many introjected messages we could possibly receive in childhood and carry around, not questioning, until maybe the consequences of living life by these rules become too impactful to ignore.

Some emotions feel almost like old unwelcome roommates. Maybe shame. Maybe sadness. Maybe resentment.  They’ve been around a long time, sitting quietly in the background, occasionally showing up like that person we don’t really want to see.

It can be uncomfortable to explore these feelings. Not because they are unfamiliar, but because they are too familiar. They’ve lived in us, shaped us, and often gone unspoken.  But having the bravery to sit with these long-standing, often painful feelings, to listen to them, question them and to unpick where they came from, can be life-changing.

Although it may often seem like feelings are your enemy, the reality is that they are often your allies in disguise.  Ignoring emotions can be likened to continuing to drive your car, whilst ignoring that brightly shining warning light on the dashboard.  Eventually…. there is likely to be a consequence.

There is a selection of different ways in which we might decide to avoid our emotions, depending upon our early childhood and subsequent life experiences, genetic make-up and modelling by our caregivers.   Some of us default straight into thinking—intellectualising feelings away with logic, spreadsheets, or philosophical debates about the validity of emotions.  Others jump straight into doing – keeping so busy we can’t feel anything at all, scrolling through social media, or excessive gaming.  And then there are the numbing strategies, including using alcohol or substances to take the edge off.  Lastly, let’s not forget the classic: pretending everything’s fine while you are breaking inside.

These strategies often started out as clever survival tools.  Especially when emotional expression wasn’t safe or welcome growing up. But over time, they can lead to us becoming stuck.  So, what happens when we feel safe to connect and listen to our emotions?

When we make decisions using only our thinking, we are utilising only half of the information available.  Our emotions exist to inform us, as data.  For example, anger is likely showing up to tell us that an expectation has not been met, or a boundary has been crossed.  We do not have to act impulsively upon our emotions. Listening to them doesn’t mean letting them drive the car, but it does mean letting them have a seat and say what they came to say.

To put it plainly, We can still use our thinking to decide what we would like to do, just as long as we develop a comfortable enough relationship with all of our feelings to enable us to allow them to sit at the table and take part in the discussion, rather than shutting them behind a door, which isn’t going to make them disappear.   Having the bravery to sit with these long-standing, often painful feelings, to listen to them, question them and to unpick where they came from, can be life-changing.

Therapy creates the space for this aspect of self-development, to gently explore and unpack what has been buried.  And to find new ways of relating to feelings.  If this blog leads you to wonder about your own relationship with feelings, know you are welcome to get in touch.