Everyone who knows me knows I love a bit of theory! When I was training as a therapist, I had to work hard on containing my excitement and not forcing what I had learned down the throats of my family and friends. Applying this awareness to the framework of this Blog topic, I was probably stepping into the I’m OK, You’re Not OK quadrant of the Okay Corral (Ernst, 1971).
Transactional Analysis (TA) provides us with an abundance of concepts. These all overlap and interlink. I find I can begin working with one concept with a client, then into my head pops a way of explaining things by integrating a different concept we have talked about in the past, and which the client already understands.
I like to think of The OK Corral or Life Positions in terms of The Drama Triangle, Winners Triangle, Ego States and Attachment Theory. And when I sat down to write this Blog entry, I got overwhelmed by trying to explain it in all these terms!
A simple way of introducing Life Positions is to think of how we view our own worth and how much we value and believe in others. We form these beliefs in response to the way we are treated as young children, and the view of the world modelled by our parents or caregivers.
Berne, who created Transactional Analysis (TA) hypothesised we will have decided our fundamental Life Position by around seven years old, which is the same time he believes Life Script has been decided. See, I am already getting over excited about theory, which most readers have probably not heard of before and doesn’t need to be included right here, right now! Those who have a fundamental Life Position of I’m OK, You're OK (Get on with), generally tend to be on the whole, positive individuals, who are good at problem solving, believe in themselves and form Secure Attachments with others.
Saying that, no one stays routed in the same Life Position 24/7, 365 days per year, or even usually 24 hours a day. We all move around the quadrant. This is normal and part of being human. But it can become problematic in terms of our lives and relationships, if we tend to get stuck in any of the three areas of the quadrant other than I’m OK, You’re OK.
Feelings of low self-esteem are pretty common, are they not? Many of us might feel uncomfortable in social situations where we do not have a level of familiarity established with the other people involved. Some of us might even actively avoid these situations, because they make us feel so anxious. If this is the case, we are spending time sitting in one of the two sections of the quadrant where we are not feeling we are OK. Just even being aware that this is a ‘thing’ can be extremely helpful in overcoming this and working towards feeling more confident. Reminding ourselves that “I am OK, and so is the other” can create a soothing internal dialogue, and our thoughts can very much impact and change how we are feeling.
Working towards developing a fundamental Life Position of I’m OK, You’re OK may not be a linear journey. Take an example of someone who has come out of a long-term relationship, which has left them feeling devalued and worthless. The ex-partner may in their eyes, be doing great. And this leads to a feeling of I’m not OK, You’re OK (Depressive Position).
Imagine this person turns to alcohol to cope with the difficult and unpleasant emotions they are experiencing. Their close friends do their best to step in and encourage them to seek help and to stop drinking, but to no avail. The individual feels hopeless, they believe no one can help and no one else will ever want to be with them, so what is the point of trying? This point represents them sitting in I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK (Futility Position).
At some point our character may reach a stage where they realise that the problem did not lie solely with them. They may be successful in achieving sobriety and decide that it is not them that is the problem, but everyone else. They may think “Actually, I am better off alone, look at all my friends being badly treated and made to feel unhappy in their relationships, I cannot trust anyone apart from myself. At this point, they can be described as sitting in the I’m Okay, You’re Not Okay, or Paranoid Position.
Eventually, we imagine this person reaches a point where they feel confident in their own evaluation of the behaviour of others in relation to their own self-worth. They decide they are willing to take a chance on trusting and committing to another, but not at the expense of their own boundaries within a relationship. Here, the person has moved into the I’m OK, You’re OK (Get on with) section quadrant. They are more likely at this stage, to begin to experience happiness within a healthy relationship.
I am mindful of the concept of the Okay Corral when interacting with my own children. Overly critical parenting can lead to toxic shame, which can follow a child into adulthood, negatively impacting their ability to succeed, form healthy relationships and ultimately, lead a happy and fulfilling life. Parents who spend a lot of time in one of the three unhealthy positions of the quadrant are more likely to raise children who follow the same trend. With this in mind, I try my best to celebrate my children in as many ways as possible, to help them to realise their value. I also try to model kindness and compassion towards others.
This is not always easy, and I do sometimes fail temporarily. At times, I find myself communicating through my frustration, that they are not OK. When this happens and I have had a chance to take a pause (and to give myself a little shake!), I then do my best to communicate in such a way as to make a clear distinction between my love of them as little humans and my dislike for any unfavourable behaviour. I also remind myself that, with conflict comes an opportunity to model healthy reparation and humanity. The message here to my children, is that although emotions may catapult us into an area of the quadrant where the belief is that someone is not OK, we do not have to stay stuck here. We can bring ourselves back, through self-regulation, self-awareness and working on building healthy interpersonal relationships.
Comments